Death on a Boat
by alBBie
Summary: Six witches and three wizards are chosen to participate in a fashion cruise after they have graduated from Hogwarts. But things start to go wrong when they start to die. R&R Silly plot.
1. Alicia Investigates Everyone's Safety

**A/N: **The reason why I am starting yet another story is because I can write this one pretty quickly. It is based completely off of a movie I made with my cousins over five years ago when we were on a family vacation on a cruise to England. It's supposed to be completely stupid and a complete joke and I am aware of how dumb it is. I've wanted to write a FanFiction version of it for quite some time so here it is.

**Summary: **One of the various BBC networks is doing a TV special about a group of models who have all graduated from their wizarding school and then get chosen to go on a fashion cruise. But things go wrong when suddenly they all start dying one by one. It is your job to figure out if this story is true or false, fact or fiction.

**Disclaimer: **I own absolutely nothing.

**0000**

"_Hi, I'm Alicia Spinnet! I'm here to tell you that my Quidditch playing days are over. As some of you may or may not know, I am a very accomplished model in both the wizarding and Muggle worlds. But I know that there is always room for more! That's why I'm hosting a Fashion Cruise where I'm recruiting six average Wizard girls to come on a cruise with me and be introduced to the fashion world. Don't miss out on this chance of a lifetime! Audition today at the audition location nearest to you. Who knows? Maybe you could be the next Alicia Spinnet!" _

**0000**

"Hi, I'm Hannah Abbot from BBC Eleven – The Wizarding Network." Hannah Abbot, with bouncy blonde hair curled to perfection right above her shoulders, sat at her desk in the BBC Eleven studios. "I'm here for another episode of 'Stories: True or False? Fact or Fiction?' Today's story is about a group of witches chosen to go on a 'Fashion Cruise' when suddenly they start to die as the ship leaves from its port in New York City. It's your job to solve this mystery. Is it true or false? Fact or fiction?"

Six girls sat anxiously in a large circular room on the Queen Elizabeth 2, a huge ocean liner that traveled across the Atlantic from New York City to Southampton, England in six days. The girls had only a few days earlier received the news that they were to attend the fashion cruise.

Suddenly someone stepped down into the circular formation of rusty red couches built into the large room. She stood in the middle, next to a tall, wide pole that extended from floor to ceiling. They recognized her immediately.

"Hi, everyone! I'm Alicia Spinnet!" she said enthusiastically. She was tall and thin with dark hair and a face that looked like a thin layer of skin had been stretched uncomfortably over it. "Welcome to the Fashion Cruise!"

All six girls let out an uncontrollable squeal.

"As you all know, you all have been chosen to participate and I'm so excited!" Alicia gushed. "I know you all from our days at Hogwarts, so I'm sure you all know each other as well. I think this will be an especially exciting reunion for all of us! You all, Cho Chang, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, and Pansy Parkinson are the Six Sticks!"

"Wow, what a cool name!"

For some reason, all six of the intelligent witches found the name to be extremely clever and exciting.

"Well, I think you should all head up to your rooms. I will be seeing you all next for dinner in the Queen's Bar and Grill at six-thirty tonight. Attire should be semi-formal," Alicia explained. "Until then, I hope you all get settled in well and get ready for a great trip!"

**0000**

Cho sat with the photographer for the trip, who she had met with earlier and also happened to be a recruited ex-Hogwarts student. He was Draco Malfoy. He was showing her some pictures they had taken during her photo shoot earlier that day. Cho was the only of the six who was an actual model.

"Ugh, those shots are disgusting," Cho expressed. "How dare you show me such awful pictures?"

Draco frowned at the negatives. He didn't see anything wrong with them. "Well… We can retake them. If you want…?" Draco responded quietly, oddly intimidated by a girl he had once thought himself all-mighty and powerful against.

"No! Just get out of my room. You're despicable." With a wave of her hand he was gone.

Just moments later there was a knock on her door. Irritated, Cho got up and opened the door in a huff.

"Hello, Cho, I'm Apples and Bananas. I'm here to be your personal assistant."

"What?" Cho was very confused. "No, you're Harry Potter."

The short, skinny, messy-haired ex-Gryffindor looked nervous. "No, now I'm Apples and Bananas."

Cho's irritation was now completely gone. She was utterly puzzled.

**0000**

**Now Time for a Commercial Break**

Cho was sitting on a bed, holding a big, juicy orange.

"Hi, I'm Cho Chang and I eat real Florida oranges," she said, a smile plastered on her wide face. "They're great," she put the orange in her other hand, "I love them. So eat real Florida oranges."

**0000**

**Now Back to the Show**

Alicia decided to have a conversation – more like an interview – with Draco, or The Photographer as he was mostly referred to, and Apples and Bananas in her room later that day. With her manager and other assorted people present as well, of course.

"I understand that you two have a bit of a… shall I say, frustration toward Cho Chang?" Alicia questioned.

The two sat still in their chairs below the window of Alicia's suite.

"How do you two feel toward Cho?" Alicia tried.

There was silence until suddenly Apples and Bananas leapt up, a long strip of negatives in his hand.

"This is what I think of Cho!" he screamed. He threw the negatives onto the ground and began to stomp on them very viciously.

"Okay, okay, calm down, now," Blaise Zabini commanded, appearing from behind a curtain. He was the Security Guard for the trip. Also a recruited ex-Hogwarts student. "Simmer down now."

He pushed a heavily breathing Apples and Bananas off the negatives and back into his chair.

"I think of her as an empty roll of film or a broken camera," The Photographer said, once the anger subsided.

"Interesting," came from Alicia.

**0000**

The next morning, Ginny and Hermione decided to go to breakfast together to catch up.

"I was so surprised to see you when I arrived," Ginny expressed, cutting up her pancakes that were just drenched in syrup. "You were the last person I expected to succumb to trashy modeling cruises for money!"

Hermione was slightly taken aback by Ginny's comment, especially since it was said with such gusto. "Well, I figured I might as well try it, but I didn't expect to actually make it."

"I thought you'd be working with the Ministry by now," Ginny continued.

Hermione was beginning to feel uncomfortable. "No, not yet…"

"I mean, you've been out of Hogwarts for four years now!"

"Ron?" Hermione suddenly cried, looking just beyond Ginny's shoulder.

"What?" Ginny turned in her seat. Sure enough her brother was striding toward the girls, a smile spread across his freckled face.

"Fancy seeing you two here!" he exclaimed.

"Ron! What on earth are you doing here?" Ginny whined.

"I thought I'd buy a ticket for the cruise and see what my little sister was up to," he said, winking at Hermione.

"What? Why?" Ginny stammered.

"Hermione! Long time no see!" Ron said, changing the subject. "I haven't seen you since graduation!"

"I guess not," said Hermione, surprised that she hadn't seen such an important friend in so long. "Wow, I can't believe it. It's great to see you. So you're on the cruise, then? That's great!"

"It sure is," Ron said, nudging Hermione's arm. He turned to his sister. "At least someone's happy to see me!"

**0000**

Later that day, Alicia decided to inspect the safety of the boat. So she had a conference with Blaise and Luna Lovegood, the Activities Coordinator for the cruise.

"I hear that some people have been slightly concerned with the safety of this cruise," Alicia began. "I have heard that there aren't enough lifeboats for all the members of the ship…?"

"That sounds like Titanic…" Blaise said, mostly to himself.

"This is a fashion boat, not a safety boat," Luna said, almost appalled.

"Well there are some inflatable lifeboats," Blaise said.

"How on earth will there be enough time to inflate inflatable lifeboats while the boat is sinking?" Luna cried, suddenly changing her opinion on the matter.

"You pull a cord and they instantly inflate!" Blaise said, leaning forward in his seat. "Then you throw them out the windows and people get in them!"

"I don't think this will be a very safe trip," Alicia said to herself, putting her head in her hands. "I don't think this will be a very safe trip."

**0000**

**A/N: **Okay… I know it's weird; it's supposed to be weird. It's probably confusing too because it's like a TV special… Review and ask as many questions as you want! Even if it's "why are you such a bad writer?". That's okay. Anyway, if you review I'll give you a box set of Star Wars DVDs, except they won't be digitally enhanced because those versions suck. A lot.


	2. The Girls Get an Emotional Workout

**A/N: **School and homework and hunger… So little time to write stories. That's no fun.

**Shan: **Hahaha! I named him Apples and Bananas because for some reason my cousin who played Apples and Bananas when we made this movie thing five years ago decided his character was going to be named Apples and Bananas. I still don't get why.

**xxlei: **Lol. No, it's not a reality show. It's supposed to be like a TV special that you're watching. Sort of. And the viewers are supposed to guess if the story is true or false. It doesn't really make much sense…

**0000**

The next day the girls got up bright and early to exercise in the gym with the Activities Coordinator of the cruise, Luna Lovegood.

"Okay, girls!" she said excitedly. She hadn't seen any of them in such a long time! "Grab your weights and lets get moving!" She started pumping her fists up and down as they clenched weights while bobbing around on her two feet.

The girls were located in the gym which was a low-ceilinged room where mirrors lined the walls and a hideous pink carpet with turqoise and lavender polka-dots on it covered the floor. There was a fitness center on the other end, but this area was reserved for physical workouts with Luna and her helpers.

"One and two and three and four and – don't give up girls!" was Luna's advice.

Hermione, Ginny, and Pansy looked as though they were about to collapse. Cho was barely doing the moves so as that she wouldn't break a sweat while Lavender, Parvati, and Alicia were totally into it, bouncing up and down with Luna and getting smelly and sweaty.

"Woohoo! I can tell that Lavender, Alicia, and Parvati sure aren't afraid to get down and dirty! Come on, girls!" Luna cried. "Don't give up! I know you can do it! Just another minute and I'll give you a water break!"

That minute lasted twenty before Ginny and Hermione found themselves emptying out the water cooler.

"Gosh, I'm going to have to pee in two seconds," Ginny commented.

Hermione would've responded if she had any breath left in her.

"I wonder what we're going to do after this," Ginny wondered aloud.

"Well, Ginny," Alicia said loudly, overhearing the conversation. "I actually was going to tell you guys that later, but I guess this is a good time now. I'm having you guys get in shape now because this afternoon we're having our first photoshoot and fashion show!"

"Oh my God!" Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati screamed.

Hermione only smiled to herself and Pansy found it hard to hide her excitement. Cho's expression didn't change one bit. She was having too much fun praciticing her grumpy model look.

**0000**

The fashion show began later that day, after everyone showered, in a restaurant that had a long elegant staircase leading down to a bar and lounge. The girls were to slowly make their way down the stairs and into the appropriate seats.

The girls made their way down one by one, wearing sophisticated but casual clothing. The Photographer was snapping away while Blaise, Apples and Bananas, and Ron, who invited himself, stood at the side, observing.

Alicia was first, wearing white clam-digger shorts and a pale yellow halter top. She smiled broadly as she made her way down the stairs slowly, making sure everyone had all their eyes on her.

After Alicia was Cho, who insisted that she be next. She was wearing a long, thin, navy blue shirt with thin straps and a plunging neckline. Underneath she wore sleek black leggings and ballet flats. While Alicia was smiling as she strolled down the maroon, carpeted stairs, Cho was sure to frown like a model the entire way down. She wanted everyone to know how serious she was about all this.

Hermione was next. She had her brown hair straightened and was dressed in a deep purple collared shirt with a short, flowy white skirt. She looked very embarrassed to have so many people looking at her and to even have someone taking pictures of her.

After her came Lavender. She was dressed in layered blue and pink tanktops with a mini blue jean skirt. She seemed completely confident, despite the fact that she'd never done anything like this before.

Parvati was the next girl to descend the stairs. She was wearing her thick, black hair down and light blue cotton shorts. Her shirt was shortsleeved and light green. She had a long necklace wrapped several times around her neck.

Next was Ginny. She had on a short, white, lacey dress and gold shoes. She looked an odd mix of virginal and extremely uncomfortable as she walked slowly down the stairs, willing herself not to trip on her own feet.

Last, but not least, came Pansy, who was dressed in a long, white shirt with a belt around it and tight jeans with tall boots. She had a confident smirk on her face but a wary and nervous attitude could be seen behind the expression.

When all the girls were in their seats, Alicia got up to speak to the group about completing their first fashion show/photoshoot on the Fashion Cruise.

"Congratulations, girls!" she started.

But that was all she got to say before a choking noise could be heard and Cho was dead on the ground before anyone could say another word.

**0000**

**Now Time for a Commercial Break**

"Are bullies getting you down?" asked a voice.

Apples and Bananas approached Blaise and started beating him up.

"Do you feel that sometimes you just can't win?" the voice continued.

Apples and Bananas left and Blaise stood up, shaking his head.

"Well, come to the Apples and Bananas Gym!" the voice suggested.

Blaise started doing pushups on the ground, right where he was standing.

"They'll train you to be strong men."

Now Blaise was approaching Apples and Bananas.

"So next time you get faced with a bully."

Blaise successfully beat up Apples and Bananas.

"You'll just kick them into the dust."

**0000**

**Now Back to the Show**

Apples and Bananas was standing nervously outside the boat hospital. He wrung his hands.

"Cho has been in there for over _five minutes_," he said nervously to the camera. "I don't know what's happening. Who would do this? And why? Jealousy? Money? Who knows? And how could these emotions esclate to the point of _murder_? All I can say is everyone is much different than I remembered them. And not in a good way at _all_."

Meanwhile, inside, Alicia was having a discussion with the doctor, Dr. E-Mac – formerly known as Ernie MacMillain – about Cho's condition.

"She is in critical condition," Dr. E-Mac said. "It seems that someone has poisoned her with a substance known as sodium fungide. It is a very powerful and toxic poison."

"Do you think she will make it?" Alicia questioned anxiously.

"Right now things are not looking very good for Cho," Dr. E-Mac answered sadly.

"How can we find the person who did this?" Alicia asked.

"Well, sodium fungide is only legal in one country, Azerbaijan, so anyone who may have been to that country or have had contact with it may be the culprit," Dr. E-Mac explained.

Suddenly a woman appeared from the direction of Cho's room. She looked distressed as she handed a note to Dr. E-Mac. He opened it up and looked at it sadly.

"It seems that Cho has just lost conciousness," he explained. "She didn't make it."

Alicia looked stunned. "Thank you, Dr. E-Mac."

**0000**

Alicia knew that now she _really_ had some investigating to do. It didn't take her long to figure out that both Apples and Bananas _and_ the Photographer had taken trips to Azerbaijan earlier that year. What they could possibly be doing in Azerbaijan, she had no idea.

Purchasing a few grams of sodium fungide, perhaps?

She decided to have some interviews with the girls that evening after they had all rested for a few minutes. She held them in her room with the shades drawn and the lights dimmed.

"So, Lavender," she said, as the girl next to her sobbed hysterically into a tissue. "How do you feel about what happened to Cho?"

"It's terrible! Just awful! To take away someone's opportunity to have such a great career!" Lavender broke into a wave of even more sobs.

"As you know, sodium fungide can only be legally purchased in Azerbaijan," Alicia informed the weeping girl. "Apples and Bananas _and_ the Photographer both were in Azerbaijan earlier this year." Someone handed her a piece of paper. She opened it and gasped. "It seems that Blaise was in Azerbaijan earlier this year as well," she added. "Who do you think did it, Lavender? Who do _you_ think killed Cho Chang?"

"The Photagrapher! Definitely the Photagrapher," Lavender voiced. "He hated her since the day we arrived at Hogwarts all those years ago! He did it!"

**0000**

And the interviews continued like that.

"So, Parvati, who do you think killed Cho?" Alicia asked in a very Law and Order-like manner.

"Blaise! I know it was Blaise!" Parvati cried through tears and snot.

"Hermione, who killed Cho?"

"The Photagrapher!" Hermione answered. "I saw the way he looked at her and I saw the way he glared at her and I saw the way he was itching to add that sodium fungide to her drink!"

Even Pansy was crying.

"Pansy, who do you think killed Cho Chang?" Alicia asked.

"It was Apples and Bananas! Ever since she dumped him our fifth year I know he's had it out to kill her!" Pansy shouted before doubling over and sobbing into her pants.

Then it was the last interview.

"Ginny, who do you think killed Cho Chang?"

Ginny was the most flustered and shaken of them all. Maybe it was because she was the youngest.

"Blaise – no, Apples and Bananas – no, the Photagrapher!" she decided, sobbing and hiccuping at a deafening decibel.

Suddenly the lights went out and the room was silent. They came back on in a few seconds and Lavender was lying unconcious on the ground in front of them!

"Oh my – oh my God!" Alicia responded. "Oh my goodness! Oh my gracious! Someone's gotten Lavender, too!"

Ginny had a hand over her mouth in terror. "I think we should have a fashion show to get our minds off of this…"

"Good thinking, Ginny."

**0000**

**A/N: **Ha, ha, ha, ha. This makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Oh, well. Please review! I'll give you lots of ice cream! I LOVE ICE CREAM!


	3. The Course Changes With a Bad Outcome

**A/N: **No one reviews this but I feel like updating it.

**Disclaimer: **Harry Potter characters belong to JK Rowling. Storyline belongs to me and my cousins. Cadbury Eggs belong to Cadbury.

**0000**

The girls headed off to start their second fashion show, this time without Cho, for she had passed on, and without Lavender because she was unconcious on the floor of Alicia's suite.

"Alright, girls!" Alicia cried over the loud sound of the wind rushing by her. They were outside on the deck of the boat for their next fashion show – for fancier clothes – and it was windier than ever. "You are now officially Four Score and Seven Minutes Ago we Had Two More. Time to start our next fashion show!"

The girls cheered as Alicia made her way down the "runway" and they followed in groups of two. Hermione and Ginny were first, Hermione wearing a long, thin blue dress with a diamond-encrusted halter, while Ginny was in a long, solid, strapless green gown. The walked slowly down a portion of the deck, their faces completely straight, pausing every few feet to pose for the camera.

Next and last were Pansy and Parvati. Pansy was in a lacy white dress that swept the floor, with jewels for straps that deliberately fell off her shoulders. Parvati was in a strapless gold dress with fluffy, straight layers all the way down from her waist.

After the very short fashion show, Alicia had much more planned for the girls. First they interviewed a group of American girls traveling on the boat. Then they sampled some of the food from several of the restaurants. After that, they went for a swim in the boat's outdoor swimming pool.

"Okay, Four Score," Alicia said as they got out of the pool. "Now we're going to interview the winners of the latest game of Trivial Pursuit!"

**0000**

**Now Time for a Commercial Break**

Blaise sat in his room eating a hamburger. "Wow, this hamburger is so dry!" he complained.

Suddenly, The Photographer popped out from behind a curtain. He grabbed Blaise and did something weird to his neck while making a strange noise with his mouth. He exposed a bottle full of a thick, white liquid.

"Eat ketchup," he advised. "Made from real human blood. I mean potatoes…"

**0000**

**Now back to the show!**

The girls gathered in the room they first met in to talk to the winners of the Trivial Pursuit game. Every morning, the boat held a Trivial Pursuit competition, so Alicia decided it would be a good idea to interview the winners.

"We heard that you three did something very special today!" Alicia said happily.

"Well, I took a really big poop this morning…" one of the men said.

Hermione made a face, but none of the other four girls seemed to notice the disgusting comment.

"We won the game of Trivial Pursuit," one of the guys said.

"How exciting!" all the girls expressed in unison.

"But it was our lowest score yet," the same man repeated. "We got twenty out of twenty-five right, but yet we won."

"Interesting," Alicia said uninterestedly. "What are your names?"

"Larry, Moe, and Curly," the first man said.

"Oh, how silly," Alicia said, noticing the stupid reference.

"What was the winning question?" Parvati asked.

"What is the name of the fourth Musketeer?" the third man said. "Do any of you know the answer?"

"D'Artagnan," Hermione answered simply.

"That's right!" the third man said.

"What did you get for winning?" Ginny asked curiously.

The first man held up a card upside down. "I got this nifty certificate," he explained.

"Awesome!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Well, we should be going now," Alicia said. "Congratulations on your win!"

"Thank you," the second man said.

**0000**

**Meanwhile…**

A girl approached the captain in the navigational room of the boat.

"I need you to change course," she requested.

"Um, I'm sorry I can't do that," he explained.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because… I can't," the captain said.

"Please change course," she said. "The ship will hit an iceberg and sink otherwise!"

"Alright then, if you say so," the captain agreed. "But I'm warning you, it's going to be rough waters ahead."

"Good," the girl responded.

The captain dramatically turned the steering wheel of the boat. The girl cackled.

"Mwahahahahaha…"

**0000**

**Now Time for a Commercial Break**

"Here at Apples and Bananas farms we grow delicious, fresh apples and bananas," Apples and Bananas explained. He was sitting on the edge of a bed holding an apple and a banana in each hand. "So next time you go to the grocery store, pick up some Apples and Bananas brand apples and bananas. They sure will light up the fruit bowl in your kitchen." He took a bite of the apple. "Good apples." He took a bite of the top of the banana peel. "Good bananas."

**0000**

**Now back to the show!**

After a busy day, Four Score and Seven Minutes Ago we Had Two More plus an unconcious Lavender, Alicia, Apples and Bananas, the Photographer, Blaise, and Ron were all sitting in one of their various rooms coloring. The channel that only showed where the boat was on its course across the Atlantic was playing on the TV screen. Suddenly Pansy glanced up at it. Something was missing.

"Wait a minute," she said.

Alicia looked up. "Where - ?"

"We're off the map!" Pansy cried.

Everyone's heads shot up. Chaos erupted.

"AAAHHH!" everyone screamed.

"We're off the map!" Pansy repeated.

"We're all gonna die!" the Photographer screamed.

"Where are we!" Ginny shouted.

"The ship is sinking!" cried Parvati.

The all ran toward the bathroom where the life jackets were stored. Ron had to pull them down because he was the tallest. Ginny tried to open the door but it wouldn't open. Hermione screamed. Pansy grabbed it and started fidding with the lock. She couldn't open it. Finally it was Alicia who saved that small portion of the day. As they started leaving, Lavender regained conciousness.

"Wait for me!" she said, following them out the door.

They were flung against the walls of the hallway as the ship rocked unsteadily back and forth. Whoever that mysterious girl was who advised the ship to change course certainly had no idea what she was talking about. The captain was right in sayingi that there were rough waters ahead, because these waters were anything but calm.

They made their way about the ship, falling with every step they took. When they passe the synogogue, Alicia flung herself inside to pray. Pray for safety and pray for the boat to stay afloat until they reached England safely.

Apples and Bananas tripped and fell to the ground for what he felt should be the last time.

Hermione looked back and saw him, collapsed on the ground. "You have to keep going," she said. "Apples and Bananas, you have to keep going." He didn't respond. "Harry," she said.

He looked up.

"Come on."

He pulled himself off his feet and continued making his way through the steadily sinking ship.

The ship rocked powerfully and Lavender fell over the banister down several flights of stairs. This time she was really dead.

But they all met a fateful end. Unfortunately none of the Fashion Cruise survived the ship's crash. Maybe it was something that would go down in history, like the Titanic. Or maybe it was something that they'd just end up recovering hundreds of years in the future. One person, however, did survive. The murderer.

Ginny Weasley stood at the end of one of the few lifeboats that she was lucky enough to get into. She looked at her culprits. "Hahaha," she said to herself, "The murderer strikes again."

**0000**

**Now Time for a Documentary Break**

It was a closeup of an embellished "B"; the logo for the Boston Red Sox.

"This is the hat," a voice said. "Not just any hat, but the hat of a legend. Apples and Bananas has faithfully worn the hat of his favorite sports team for as long as he can remember. He may be from a completely different country, but he is a fan nonetheless. This hat represents strength, courage, loyalty, compassion. Everything someone wants in a fan. It all belongs to this hat."

The camera angle switched to one focusing on the back of the hat; two white and red socks.

"This hat will forever be known as the one, the only, Apples and Bananas' Red Sox hat. Adieu."

**0000**

**And now back to the show!**

"Welcome back to BBC Eleven. I am Hannah Abbot," Hannah said seriously into the camera once more. "I bet you're wondering whether this unfortunate story is true or false, fact or fiction. Well, I'm unhappy to say that a similar story happened to a group of witches and wizards on a somewhat similar 'fashion cruise' of sorts several years ago. However, it is unknown whether or not one specific person caused the sinking to occur, although the location in which the ship was found was very far off course. Thank you for joining me for this edition of Stories: True or False? Fact or Fiction? I'm Hannah Abbot. Thank you and good night."

**0000**

**A/N: **Okay… That's it… Let's see if anyone reviews. If you do I'll give you a Cadbury Egg.


End file.
